going back a little ways, i want to post about something i figured out while i was up at davis.
i ate lunch by myself on the first day before orientation started (well... jamba juice). as i sipped on my smoothie, my legs carried me to borders. this store had a different floorplan than the one closer to home, but the smell of the store was the same. that freshly-bound book smell. and then when you walk on over to the cafe, the aroma of coffee hits your nose. who would have thought that those two scents would be even better when put together? and then i thought to myself: just a moment ago, i was walking the streets of downtown davis not knowing where the hell anything was, and then the next moment, i'm inside a familiar bookstore. that smell brought back a nostalgic feeling. i missed anaheim so much more than i thought. but in this bookstore, home didn't seem 500 miles away. i half dreamt that if i took a step outside, i'd be in anaheim again. a sanctuary, perhaps.
so i browsed the familiar aisles-- astrology, poetry, and fiction. one poetry book caught my eye in particular. i don't remember who the author was nor the title (i should have written it down), but the contents, i remember well. the vortex of the theme was about change, how one will never find his true identity because the world is constantly changing. true, maybe. or maybe it's our identity that is constantly changing. nevertheless, you have an identity. stable or volatile, your character is there. it's just... "adapting" to situations, per se.
sometimes though, it's hard to change yourself (or more so, the way you think), because it takes a lot of time and will to achieve this "ideal self". but a change is good. there are going to be bad ones, of course, but change is well... a change. having the comfort of consistency is nice, but what will you learn? all our life lessons are learned because we change. when you were an infant, you learned how to walk because it was an inconvenience to crawl on the streets (besides, that would scrape up your knees quite a bit). i myself did not crawl. i never crawled. i went from sitting to walking. i never had that middle phase, so i wouldn't really know much about the stages, but that is irrelevant. we are all different. that is why we respond to change differently as well. but i want to tell you all-- if change comes your way, brace yourself for a refining of yourself. and nothing will be quite the same thereafter.
it's better to oblige to change rather than to dismiss it. easier said than done, but future will prove you otherwise.
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another post today... for the reasons that 1) i feel like writing, and 2) this post is irrelevant to the last.
i'm sick. can you believe it? mid-summer fever, literally. i feel groggy and horrible. my throat feels like it's twice what it normally is, and hot just got hotter, thanks to my fever.
so my plan for august is finally concreted. simply put, i'm taking a vacation to japan. from august 4 - september 2, i will be gone. twelve hours away by plane, several thousand miles away. but it's a good thing, i suppose. i haven't seen the cities of japan in a while. besides, i have to get in touch with my family. oh, i can't wait for the food. it is sooooo good.
i got a feeling that there's much more waiting for me.
flying, though i, only one broken wing.
but i'm still flying:
you are the wind that carries me.
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yesterday was great.
the beach is beauty in itself, but sharing a scenery such as this with those closest to you-- that's magical.
it's really nice to get away from the suburbans and the crwoded malls and just sit on the beach. rejuvenation, is probably the best word to describe it. and the water. the ocean water was a bit cold for my taste, but i enjoyed it nonetheless. i wasn't going to go in, but you made me. lol. it was okay, though. good times.
the bonfire ended up being more like "pyros at work", but it was fun. warm, too. both literally and figuratively speaking. thanks for a great time, ryan, felicia, and of course, joe.
thought of the day:
are you chasing what you want, or running from all that you fear?
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because there's nothing to be said, everything is understood.
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writing mood... pardon me.
i ran into two unexpected friends today. let me address them by name-- kenny and victoria, not together.
i had a dinner outing at wood ranch today, and i remember seeing the face of this beautiful girl, and it took a while for her image to sink in. something in me finally clicked, and i noticed that that girl was indeed victoria.
if anyone has the optimistic aura, it's her. nothing can stop her from smiling-- not even death. but let me not get into that. she has overwhelming charisma. ever since the day i met her, i could tell that something was different about her. something about the way she carried herself. and i soon found out that it was her confidence. ever since, i've admired her positive atitude and consider her a great role model.
kenny. well, what is there to say bout kenny? i could start b saying that he's mormo, but everyone knows that already. i could tell you that he has blonde hair... oh, but that's known throughout, too. yes-- the things we don't know about kenny... now therein lies the reason i love to hang out with him.
he walked over to our table adinstantaneously, i got out of my chair and my feet carried me over to him. he's kind of magnetic, i think. he's always so extrverted and talkative. maybe everyoneloves tobe around him for his humor. i know that's one of my reasons. and everyone needs a good laugh.
seeing people i haven't seen in ages... i do't feel so deprived anymore.
by the way: thanks again, joseph.
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sometimes, you expect so much from someone that when this person doesn't live up to your expectations, they no longer satisfy you. even worse, this causes your greed to sky-rocket, while the other fails to notice. detrimental to any kind of relationship, isn't it?
it rarely happens to me. i'm the life-shits-on-me-so-i step-in-it-and-move-on type of person... most of the time. there are rare occasions where that theory is proven false and then, well. disappointment kicks in. it's so bad for me because i so seldom have this type of feeling, so when i feel it, its effects become two-fold. but this is exactly why i enjoy the other seldom times when people really DO exceed my expectations, not that i set much.
smply put, i was completely breathless on july 28, 2003. and this was all because this person put their time and unsurpassable effort into making me smile. for that, i am truly grateful and honored. something of that devotion, i have not seen anywhere or from anyone.
and to truly amaze me, it must wringe me dry of air.
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happy 16th birthday, greg.
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normally, i don't pinpoint any one person on my site, but this person is one of the very few who will be mentioned and honored by name.
i can look back at the precise moment when it became this way. it was lunch time on a clear july day. we were eating kfc with a couple of our friends. i pulled out a pen, and on a napkin, i had scribbled the word "airplane". she looked at me with shocking disgust, and let out a yell. i smiled an understanding smile. i knew what she was thinking, and she knew what i was thinking. from there, our relationship went from close to inseparable, in a unique way that only we understand. coincidentally, we ended up in the same problem, and fate conjoined our roads. we've been each other's number one help ever since.
felicia steinle will be a junior at canyon high school. she is an asian male trapped in a german girl's body. i could also tell you that her eyes are bluish-greenish... with a bit of grey in the middle, that her favorite color is green, and that she loves the snow-caps, hard shell taffy, the french taffy (strawberry-flavored), and the dinosaur gummies from the candy store on the strip of seal beach blvd. but i am not here to tell you about her preferences; i am here to tell you who she is to me.
she is a girl of extreme honesty. sometimes way too brutally honest, but that's why i enjoy her company. it's not everyday you meet someone who will tell it how it is and mean every word. i don't have to worry about her lying to me, because 1) she rarely does, if she ever does to begin with, and 2) she would fail miserably if she attempted to because, like i said, she is honest. i've appreciated her opinions, each and every single one of them. her intentions are as she sets them, and it is conspicuous to anyone's eye what she wants out of a situation. if she wants to reconciliate, her intentions are of understanding goodness, and nothing more. if she wants to decipher someone's cruel heart, she is set to go, along with the intention of tearing that person into pieces so that she can find what she's looking for. and most times, she succeeds in her missions.
there's something about her that is completely different from everyone else. no one else has her keen sense of knowing given situations. without knowing anything, she knows everything. the beauty of that is unbelievable. speak of beauty, she has a natural charm about her. this is not to sound homosexual, but she is beautiful in her own way. charismatic and humorous, i've come to know so much about her.
our conversations are quite interesting. no one else ever knows exactly what is on our minds-- we both tend to live complicated lives. but in finding ourselves in the other, we've found within each other the answer to our own problems. we've literally paralelled each oher's lives since that napkin incident, and believe it or not, we still do. everything we say to each other is meaningful. spiteful, yes. but significant nonetheless. verbal attacks are just one of our quirks that brought us so close together. we spit insult after insult at each other; some people really think that we're serious. and we are. but i'm also serious when i say that i admire her and that i'm extremely lucky to have her in my life. the best part of this whole friendship? we don't have to reassure each other about how we're doing, what we're feeling, and/or if our relationship is steady. the answer is nonexistent in the world of words. besides, it's a waste of our breaths. i comprehend her thoughts the moment i look at her in the eye, and she does the same. when silence speaks louder than words, that's when you know a friendship is truly blooming.
there are days when all i have to do is hear her say my name and everything is okay. there was a point in my high school days when we built ourselves a conflict. it was a towering wall that we built between each other to avoid contact. i know that if i had looked into her eyes then, i would have started crying because i would instantly know what she was thinking. i didn't want to do that-- because then, i'd want to start talking to her about all these things that has happened that day which reminded me of her. and i wouldn't be able to because of this stupid wall built by the hands of Ignorance, which was to be broken down only by the heart of Understanding and the generosity of second Chances. so i let it be... but soon our friendship prevailed and the wall was not broken down but rather vanished. it was as if nothing had happened at all. through a gruesome hardship, we became even closer. and that god awful time that i couldn't talk to her-- seemed like a lifetime. then one day, after drumline practice, she yelled across the school campus, "bye mai!!" and i felt this surge of warmth seep through me like fire in the wintertime. i knew that we'd be friends for an extremely long time after that, if not for eternity. there was something in me that whispered, "don't let this one go." i had no other plan but to oblige.
there was this other time, when she did something that crumbled what i had already damaged. it hurt me a bit, because it was something really important to me. it wasn't an object, but rather a bond, and i couldn't believe it was her that had done the deed. we ate dinner that night with a friend of ours, and she said something that i could not believe. she always gets passenger seat in my car; it is a given. and on the way home, she says, "you can have shotgun... i don't deserve it." that comment still rings in my ears (i bet she didn't know it herself), and i think to myself, "no one else deserves more good than you do, felicia." your intentions for me have never been bad, and i know that because you are my best friend.
this year, she spent a few months at a beach house in seal beach. i spent multiple days and nights there, by invitation. we would talk about things that others would consider useless and pointless. but to us, it was an intimate conversation about constellations, why her tv screen never displayed a clear image, how her cat only showed affection to one other person, and why lord byron is one of her favorite poets of all time. to me, they were conversations that i could only have with her, conversations that only she would understand, conversations that i will remember all my life. thanks to those hours, i now know why she is how she is. no one else shared those minutes with her. i'm glad to have sepnt time wisely.
her humor is pure and frank sarcasm. i am humored by her remarks, and she is humored by mine. we laugh at things that others will not find funny, but that is simply because we are the only ones who understand. most people call those "inside jokes", but i refer to them as "our jokes" because no one has any clue as to why we laugh when we insult each other, or why we squirm when we see the color green, or why we have sudden yelps when we hear something about numbers 3, 7, and 21. yes-- only we would understand. most people are smart. they've stopped trying to decipher us, the kind of friendship we've built thus far. for the few who still remain intrigued and inquisitive: i suggest you stop now. it will get you nowhere. and once you get somewhere, we'll change it on you. it's a different language only we speak.
i can tell you so much more about this girl. so much more than space provides, so much more than time gives me. but for the sake of both, i'm going to conclude this post with something like this:
the fact that we share the same favorite color? coincidence. the fact that we like the same music? coincidence. but the fact that her mind is somehow connected to mine, that she gracefully crossed my road of life, that we now parallel each other's lives... that, my friends, is NOT coincidence.
i can tell you now, i'm extremely lucky to have met this girl (or guy, as we both like to be). she has shown me that any road taken in life is worth the bumps and valleys, so long as we're not alone. thank you for accompanying me throughout everything. i hope that i've heled you through your hardships somehow, and trust me: i will never leave your side. i promise. (remember: promises are better kept if not to yourself.) there's plenty more of where this came from, and i know there will be future posts where you will be the topic of my entry... you deserve my every compliment, and although many times i don't speak them, i show them. but when actions fall short-- through my writing, truth will prevail.
THANK YOU.
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~oh, and another thing. thank you joe. you have successfully put an eternal smile upon my face. i smile as i type this, and i know i will remain to throughout years and years to come. your fire warms me and i let it engulf me. thank you.
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i knew it.
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there are two categories of the same type of people i have come to generate. perhaps i shall take this time to inform these selected some people. some will nod and agree with what i say, some will smile and say, "that's like me.", and others will degrade me for writing such a thing. whatever. if you get offended easily, you might as well not read this post.
so, the categories: 1) people who question peoples' lives, and 2) people who pry peoples' lives. so let's talk.
the inquirer is a somewhat reserved paparazzi. they do not persist on knowing something about someone if the questioned person objects. they are, however, there to help in some way. they will put in their input and aid them through. from here, there are more categories that i dare not touch (for the sake of time), but i will simply put it as: 1) one to keep the inquired life confidential, and 2) one who spreads it to anyone, anywhere. the latter is another problem, because their intentions aren't necessary to publicize one's life problems... they just want more input. asking questions isn't a bad thing. that's how we know half the things we know today. but as i said-- freedom of speech isn't necessarily the same as freedom of press. some things should be kept out of others' ears.
then you have the prying mind. these people are dangerous. they will begin their plan by (yes, a plan. these people have the very intention to steal your secrets.) the same course as the inquirer. they, however, will nag at you a bit more than the previously mentioned. and when you don't tell them, they are either: 1) offended that they cannot be trusted (but it's true--they cannot be), or 2) go to extreme measures to find out. they will start asking other people about you, trying to get any information (true or false) about you. this is where it goes wrong, because truth intermingles with pitiful lies. notice that in the previous sentence, there is only one truth, but its antonym comes in a bunch (plural). these people breed lies, and the public then, does not know what to believe. sadly, these people keep going at their game. and when someone asks them about you, they give input that has been blended in so many times that, by then, it's far from the truth. from there, the confused spread the word.
what i look down upon is that these people have no idea that they are doing something wrong. so they continue their mission. no one in this world has not been talked about. your friends say nice things about you while you are absent, your enemies are bound to spread any bad trait you may have. while some people have that gutsy "i don't care what other people think" outlook, it may not be the best way to go (sorry to those who believed that that would get you somewhere). this makes you most vulnerable to society. everyone interacts with people, and as long as humans continue doing that, you absolutely have to care about others' opinions. this is part of building character. you have to be wary of situations and people at all times.
sadly, people follow the road frequently traveled. "if one person believes in something about someone, then i should, too." "since this is what the majority is doing, i should oblige and do the same." since when is building character being a chameleon of someone else? it's not a surprise how we humans resorted to abomination. shame on the people who can't even think for themselves.
and to those that fit one of my two categories up there, you best know who you are. if you can't even tell that you're doing something that despicable, then i don't even want to know what you will become, as these symptoms escalate into something more dangerous.
always remember that for every horrible thing you say, there's a counterattack right back at you. and for every true information you squeeze out of someone, there are ten lies that tag along.
maybe the only trustworthy person is yourself.
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words that i have never spoken before end up in my mouth. whoever is misplacing these phrases... i suggest you stop.
the past couple of days have been somewhat of a theme park-filled week. on the 18th, disneyland. yesterday, california adventure. (where has all my money gone? lol.)
i don't know if they are called mood swings, but some people have them really bad. it's like, "i don't know what's going on anymore, because you won't tell me." and surely, this wasn't anyone's fault but your own.
and i love how we live in a pool full of lies. it's pretty sad. and we add to it every minute of everyday. we humans are pathetic.
brief but to-the-point summaries of what has been going on in my mind. maybe if i feel like it, i might elaborate on a few. but for now, this is as clear as i will make it.
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"promises with yourself never keep their word."
"you're right. so let's try a different strategy. how about i tell you my promise to myself through you, to me. does that make sense? by bringing in another person, it's no longer a one person thing. you make sure i keep my promise, okay?"
"okay."
"and i'll make sure you keep yours."
"right."
let the nightmare begin.
let the promises be fulfilled.
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july 18th of 2003: disneyland outing
i just got back from disneyland. wow, has it been a l-o-n-g day. way long. i woke up at 6am to pick up lynn at 7am. we get some starbucks, and head for my best friend's house. from there, we are on the way to goodness. great times, got me some awesome pins, and everything is overpriced. ahh, disneyland. yep, sounds like good ol' disneyland to me.
thanks kaitlyn for being such a wonderful date. :) the railroad was THE best. our arms moved together.
one down, one to go. only a limited one or two will know what i mean.
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so i'm still awake, right. typical, yeah. what are my other choices when i can't sleep? clearing my head this way may help ease this insomnia i'm going through now.
whatever people say, summer is passing us by too quickly. even then, people say things like, "oh, we still have a month and a half left" or something like that. summer is just a season. break-- you mean-- is still running strong.
i have maybe a couple of weeks (give or take a few days) here in anaheim. i then leave for japan, where i'll be pleasantly living everyday, but missing all my friends so dearly. from there, straight to davis, it looks like. and then there will be no more friday outings, bus rides to competitions, and being in the bandroom just-for-the-hell-of-it days.
i'm starting to wonder why i decided to attend a college so far away from where i call home. i guess the answer to that can only be found once the dormitories open and i situate myself to college life. experience is a merciless teacher, you know? but man, he's good.
the sky is changind colors. no longer is it dark outside. man... looks like an all-nighter. again. the blue in the sky is steadily turning a lighter hue by the minute. and i have to be somewhere by 8am. right.
but because summer is still about to give the best of days, i guess worrying won't do me good. just enjoy.
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something really is wrong with me.
i see things that i shouldn't see, analyze things that are not even there, and fear the unreal. maybe i don't want this to end, that's all. but still, i worry.
disillusion, confusion, and the inevitable haunt me day and night.
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something must be wrong with me.
well... at least i think so. i know that it is temporary, but it feels like it's binding me down nonetheless. maybe it's the side effect of such an extraordinary emotion. [name an emotion here]
frustration is self-created.
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it's good to be back.
davis was great. the atmosphere is kind and warm... but the temperature is, well... scorching. it is so hot up at davis. and it's supposed to get even hotter. i literally cooked myself outside. and to think that davis is the largest us campus in terms of land... that's a lot of walking to do (considering i won't have a bike anytime soon). but i guess it'll all work out. i hope.
my class schedule was to look about 19 units (that's more than average, esp. for a freshman), but i've considered to bring it down to about 16-17 units, because i'm joining the marching band. on top of that, i'm going to be getting involved in other student-run organizations... so time allocating is going to be a disaster. i'll just have to make due.
but yeah... davis was good. but i am soooooo glad to be back in wonderful anaheim.
i knew this was going to happen, but i didn't know it would hit me this way. "on your own" is just this term, you know. something that gives you an idea, however half-baked the idea is, about taking care of yourself. i've experienced something that not many people have last year, living with a caregiver and all. but that was by no means "on my own". i was still under supervision of a full-grown adult. now stepping into this college life, there isn't really a parental figure anywhere. and the closest one is about 7 hours away (unless i drive... when i went to orientation, it took 4h30min). plunging into a place where i am going to spend the next 4+ years (well, at least two-- tell about that in later posts) without anybody. it's a scary thought.
you really don't realize you rely on your parents so much until you are away form them. and i mean, away. not just in distance, but in aid as well. think of all the times your parents have given you money. i mean, really. you might complain about having no money, but you are alive, aren't you? they've provided for you a shelter, enough food (so you're not starving), clothes, and care. imagine all of this gone. you now have absolutelyno money to get you anything (unless you work, of course. but that's not nearly enough), no place to sleep, nothing. i'm not saying that i am about to do such thing. my parents will still help me from japan... but not as much. soon, i'll have to learn to make money for myself and be self-reliant.
until then, maybe, you and i should learn to appreciate our parents more. i mean it.
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so tomorrow is the day. well, almost. i go up to davis tomorrow for freshmen orientation. i don't know whethe to look forward to it or repel it. but i do know that i will be experiencing a completely different environment. i'm ready, if that's anything.
for three days, i will plunge into a pool of new people, of novel experiences. it's refreshing, considering all that has happened to me at the end of the year and this summer. it's a getaway. maybe i am excited about going. but then again, i'm going to miss a certain someone to pieces. i don't know. must everything be this bittersweet?
wish me luck. and i'll see all of you in three days.
i'll miss you.
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pretty baby
don't you leave me,
i have been saving smiles for you.
pretty baby
why can't you see,
you're the one that i belong to.
i'll be the embrace that keeps you warm,
beyond the sun that breaks the storm.
i'll be all right, and i'll sleep sound,
as long as you keep comin' around.
oh, pretty baby...
(c) 2003 vanessa carlton, pretty baby
posted on mai's blog
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if you haven't gone to my poetry site in a while, i suggest you make a visit. i've been writing a whole lot. thanks~
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each day of summer makes me want to tie my own self down and not leave the atmosphere of anaheim hills and the unforgettable people that reside here. i think i'll call this disease summerculosis.
in a matter of days, i'm going to go to freshmen orientation up at uc davis, near sacramento. that's 7 hours and 7 minutes (according to mapquest.com) [oooh... vanilla. that hurts.], and i have to drive there. that's a good seven hours that i could have spent with my best(est) friends, one last time. one reason i write about time periodically is because i've been taught the lesson of never taking it for granted last year. before then, i used to "waste" the minutes, "kill" time like it was nothing. i had taken it as something that stresses me to "be on time" or go on a guilt trip if i am "late". i put these words in quotations, because technically, you can't waste time. sure, you could have been doing something else, but you were occupied doing something else. thus, time was never wasted. and you certainly cannot kill time. it is figurative speech that screams irony. since, of course, time kills us instead. finally, "early" and "late" are terms that we've created so that we'll actually get things done and not "waste" time doing something else. but like i've already mentioned, you can't "waste" time. hence the cycle of human oblivion continues. we cannot control time, it's the other way around.
it's all in the way you see it. like me, for example. it's past 4am in the morning, and i am still awake typing this post. now, if i were tired, staying up becomes strenuous on the body. i'd want to sleep, so i'd be using the time wrongly-- this is what most people call "wasting time". but this is not the case. i am fully aawke, alert, wary of the situation. so in this case, going to sleep is a "waste of time"-- i'd rather do that when i actually feel sleepy. so then here is the next question: if in both cases there is a choice to waste time, then in essence, aren't you wasting time? or if, like in the past paragraph, you believe that you cannot throw time away like some tangible object, then what do you call that side you've pushed aside because you wanted to do something else?
quite frankly, i've had it with all this labeling of time. just let it be, i want to say. but of course, human beings have to be the superior being of them all. i guess i won't hear an end to this after all.
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hi, bates, kenny, and skiles.
one thing i love about summer is that it is the season of return. this is mostly because, of course, school ends and friends make their way back. but there's more to it than that.
it brings back what was absent for Time knows how long. and mostly pleasant memories. the three aforementioned friends have brought back a nostalgia that i thought i'd never feel. change comes with time, but i must say that i'm glad that i've changed with them. thus, another page has been turned together. this comforts me.
sometimes, you have to comform with the situation you are given. what came before, you must become blind to, even if it's just for that given moment. yes, what you thought you knew is now a blurred picture. as a matter of fact, it's a new canvas. and look, you have the paintbrush.
making the best out of opportunities like this can make or break us. the only problem is that in a matter of weeks, all of this fades once more and you are left with the "typical" scenarios of life. but consider this-- since summer is bound to come once every year, why not let history repeat itself? let emotions overwhelm you, engulf you, and feel what it was like before. give in to the temptation of resisting. because you know that you can't win. it will take over and you should let it: you will end up knowing more about what you wanted than you ever knew.
i'm not saying to throw away what you have now just because the temperature decided to rise. no-- i'm saying maybe to lighten up a little. maybe let the summer vibe do its thing. i know you've never regretted anything you've felt before, i KNOW. you know who you are-- don't find an answer. maybe, just maybe, by simply being in their presence, you will find the answer. i've already found it for you; i just think that you should see it for yourself. it means more that way, anyway.
and as i say all the time: seize the moment, dear friend of mine. for you, i lend you my vision, so you can see what i've already seen. when the next meeting comes, it should be obvious. and you know what? go with it. the "gut feeling" is smarter and wiser than you think it is. from a friend who parallels your life, come what may, gurly.
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